


How The TARDIS Got Her Groove Back

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-12
Updated: 2011-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-25 23:21:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weird things are afoot on the TARDIS. Can the Doctor fix it, or are he and Donna about to get a lot friendlier?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How The TARDIS Got Her Groove Back

The first thing that happened was not world-shattering, nor did it seem especially suspicious at the time. The Doctor simply went to his room, opened the door, and saw Donna on her bed eating chocolates and reading a magazine.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Donna gestured. "Eating chocolates and reading a magazine."

"In my..." he looked around, "in _your_ room?"

"Yeah. Got a problem with that?"

"No, it's... I must have opened the wrong door. Sorry. Umm, well, night."

He closed the door and looked down the corridor. No, third door on the right, that was definitely his bedroom. He opened the door again and stepped into the room he'd been using for the past few months. The bed was now much larger, with a leopard-print cover on it and red satin pillowcases, but that sort of thing occasionally happened on the TARDIS. The Doctor sighed, decided to sort it out in the morning, and got ready for bed, trying not to look up at the mirrors that had appeared on the ceiling.

 

***

 

The next thing that happened was that the TARDIS halted the Doctor's sex life, such as it was. He stood on Donna's doorstep and dripped, hoping someone would let him in before his extremities started to fall off.

"What the..?" said Donna as she opened the door and looked him up and down. "I thought you were off to see that River Song woman?"

"I was. The TARDIS landed in a literal river." He sneezed. "Can I have a cup of tea, please?"

This was the first time the TARDIS got creative with destinations where Professor Song was concerned, but it wouldn't be the last. Not that he was the sort to mind that he was missing out on sex, but he was, well, missing out on sex. Wonderful sex. Creative sex. Possibly-illegal sex.

He started spending a lot of time in the shower.

 

***

 

And travelling was getting a lot bumpier. Rather selectively bumpier, thought the Doctor as Donna landed on him again.

"Can't you fix this thing?" asked an annoyed Donna, looking down and straddling him.

"I did!"

"And that had better be your sonic screwdriver, sunshine." Donna picked herself up and helped the Doctor to his feet. "Have you noticed," she whispered, "that it only happens when we're together? Like it gets off on watching us fall on top of each other?"

He had noticed, yes.

Which could only mean one thing. Two things. Well, three. But he was fairly sure which one it was.

 

***

 

Deep inside the TARDIS, the Doctor inspected the walls for hormone content. "You're in heat!" he exclaimed.

The TARDIS rumbled.

At least it was only once every seven hundred years.

He patted a wet surface and said, rather sadly, "There aren't any left. It's just you now. You'll have to..." he paused. "You _have_ worked something out, haven't you?"

A console pinged and he looked at a screen with the words "PROXY MATING" on it.

"Oh, no no no no! Not on your semi-mechanical life, old girl!"

The screen switched to a speedy array of pornography from various worlds. It was probably meant to be erotic.

"She's human! And I'm travelling with her! I don't sleep with my companions when they're still with me!"

The TARDIS bleeped a few times.

"Alright, _usually_ I don't. Anyway, it's _Donna_. You can't just want two people to mate because their sexual organs fit together nicely. What about compatibility, chemistry, and whether she's likely to cut my balls off if I so much as look at her breasts?"

The TARDIS was silent, and blushed green slightly.

"Good. I'm glad we sorted that out."

 

***

 

Then he woke up on the floor of Donna's bedroom.

"We agreed that you'd stop it!" he hissed at the floor. "Don't be stupid about this! I don't even fancy her!"

"Fancy who?" yawned Donna.

"Erm... your mother?"

Donna looked down at him over the edge of the bed. "You crawled in here to tell me that you don't fancy my mother?"

The Doctor sat up. "I must have been sleep-walking." He looked at Donna. At quite a lot of Donna.

She pulled the duvet up a bit. "It was very warm last night."

"I could have put the heating off," he said, trying not to stare at the way her arms pushed her breasts up and together. A traitorous little voice in his head started singing _'Donna's busting out all over'_.

"Right. Could you maybe get out of my room while I'm naked?"

The Doctor nodded. "Excellent idea, one of the best you've ever had."

 

***

The Doctor decided to brave the manual in case that was any help. He found it in the library, holding up a shelf of French pornography. He was fairly sure that a) he hadn't left it there and b) he didn't own that much French pornography. How much French pornography did one man need, anyway?

He flipped it open at the index. "Bathrooms... bearings... bouyancy... breeding!" He turned to the page indicated and started to read.

Then he checked the index again.

And then the rest of the book.

 _Nathaniel entered Rowena with his powerful male protuberance, ploughing into her silky depths with a masculine sigh of intense pleasure._

The manual had become a pornographic novel. A bad pornographic novel. He picked up a nearby book on spatio-temporal field theory and read about Marcus and Diana "exploring the full physical aspect of their love."

He was now in possession of several hundred thousand volumes of bad porn.

 

***

Someone was kissing the back of his neck. It felt nice. It felt _really_ nice. A slow lick from nape to hairline identified the tongue as River's. Smiling, the Doctor turned to accept a very welcome shag.

Donna smiled back at him.

"Donna..." he said, then realised that he didn't know what to say. "Donna," he repeated, feeling a bit stupid.

She climbed onto him, nakedly, and stroked his face with her hands. "Oh, darling," she said, her breasts swirling the curls on his bare chest. She kissed him semi-passionately on the mouth and rocked her hips, wetness evident between her legs.

"Donna," he said again.

"Make love to me," she sighed, breasts heaving hypnotically.

Well, if she was asking...

 

The Doctor woke up hard.

***

The mood-lighting was just annoying. He made up a clever lie about the phosphorescence being on the blink and was generally relieved that humans couldn't see the more erotic parts of the spectrum. Some of those electromagnetic waves were really...

He loosened his tie and tried not to think about sex. It was hard. Both metaphorically and - shamingly - literally. He'd spent an entire day wanking before remembering that he wasn't going to just run out if he used enough of it up. He was forgetting a lot of things lately, what with his brain being so occupied with unwanted thoughts of what Donna might look like with no clothes on.

Well, not _that_ unwanted...

 

***

"That's the third lot of sex pollen this month," said Donna, when they made it to the lab.

"Must be the weather for it," he muttered, adding a few obscenities in Gallifreyan.

"I don't think you can do that with a hedgehog. They've got spikes."

He blinked. "She translated that?"

"Does it matter?" she asked, red and breathless "Just hurry up and find the bloody antidote."

"I could work faster if you stopped unbuttoning my shirt."

"Sorry," said Donna, moving her hands to her sides. "Don't know what I expected to find in there anyway, other than a handy toast-rack."

"And stop breathing like that!"

"Like what? What's wrong with the way I breathe?"

"It's your breasts, they're very... just don't breathe, alright?"

"At least I'll die knowing you're not turned on."

"Drink this," said the Doctor, having used science as God intended.

"It tastes like piss. What is it?"

"Antidote. It's made from... actually, better you don't know what it's made from."

"I hate you."

 

***

Finally he decided that it was time to tell Donna what was happening. Honesty being very important in a relationship. Or so he'd read in _Woman's Own_.

"Your spaceship's... horny?"

"No, she's... yes, she is."

"And it..."

"Wants us to have sex. So that she doesn't have to."

"Right." Donna stared at him for long moments as though daring him to admit this was all an elaborate lie to get her into bed.

"It's not an elaborate lie to get you into bed," he clarified.

"Good, cos it's the worst chat-up line in history." Donna tilted her head to one side. "Second-worst."

"I'm trying to think of a solution, but it's difficult because we're connected and that means that I'm-"

"Also horny."

"Yeah," he said, blushing.

Donna nodded. "I did wonder why you were having so many showers." She sniffed. "Well, I suppose we'd better get it over with."

"I'm certain I can find a way to, wait, what?"

"The shagging," said Donna. "If that'll stop all the weird stuff that's been happening lately. But," she added, "I don't want you thinking we have to get married afterwards."

The Doctor shuddered. "Please don't talk about marriage. It gives me nightmares."

"And no crying during the sex."

"I don't cry during sex!" he exclaimed.

"I know what you're like. You're emo."

"But what if I fall madly in love with you as a result of the physical consummation of our friendship?"

"Aren't you already?" Donna frowned.

"I... no?" He took a chance. "Do you want me to be?"

She shrugged. "Just thought you were, that's all."

"Oh."

"We can talk about it afterwards. This mood-lighting's making me feel sick."

 

***

 _And that_ , wrote the Doctor, _is how Mummy and Daddy got together._

Donna finished reading over his shoulder and took the notebook away from him. "We are never telling our kid about that. Ever."

"I think it's important to tell children the truth."

"And we will." She patted her swollen belly. "We'll tell him that you bought me flowers and there were no randy time-machines involved at any point."

"Which of us has had kids before?" he asked, playing his trump card.

"Which of us has to squeeze a baby out of her vagina?"

The Doctor admitted defeat. He smiled as Donna slapped his head affectionately, and thought of all the wonderful lies he could tell their son.


End file.
